Saturday, January 26, 2008

Possibly Suicidal 16 Year Old Possibly Trys to Hijack a Plane, Posssibly With Handcuffs, Rope, or Duct Tape, to Possibly Kill Hannah Montana

This has been the big national news for the last day or so. And basically, I'm mad. So this 16 year old from Novato gets on a plane, carrying "handcuffs, rope, and duct tape." All legal, as enforced by the TSA. For some reason, his plot to possibly hijack the plane is uncovered, and he is arrested. He also, after FBI agents search of his house, is found to have a "mock cockpit" in his room. I put those in quotes, because already the Daily Journal has said that instead of rope, the TSA has revised the FBI statement and decided to call it yarn. And the "mock cockpit" is really just a picture of the inside of a plane. Talk about misleading, right? And initial reports that he did this to assassinate Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus (off topic: I'm also kind of freaked out that I knew her real name off the top of my head) has turned out to be totally false.

First of all: Duh. A 16 year old boy is like 10 years too old to care about Hannah Montana. And he's a boy, so chances are like 9/10 that he doesn't even know who she is. (I only do because I try really hard to stay hip, this controversy, and, in the words of Ricky San Bartolome, "Disney Channel chicks are hot.")

Second all all: Nice statement, FBI. You guys are already wrong about major parts of what you said, 24 hours after saying it originally. There's a big difference between rope and yarn, connotationally. In upcoming days, we'll probably find out the duct tape is really scotch tape, and the handcuffs were actually the kind that you buy in magic shops and have the buttons on the sides so you can get out easily and impress all the kids at the birthday party. Or it might just have been a picture of handcuffs. Who knows? Not the FBI, that's for sure. I also think that this kid is not suicidal. Why? Because it makes sense that the FBI would say that to get people to support this huge over-reaction they just had, over a 16 year old's plan that already has been quoted as having "a low probability of success" by FBI spokesman George Bolds. On the other hand, I'd feel suicidal too if I'd just been accused of terrorism and arrested by the FBI and I lived in Marin County, so people would so be gossiping about me right now.

Third: Nice job, TSA! I don't even know what your acronym stands for, but I sure know what you do. You limit us to 1 ounce of liquid per container (oh, but you can have more than one container!), but let loaded guns through security checkpoints. So, duct tape is still allowed on flights? Don't you know what duct tape can do? It can do anything! That should have been the first thing you banned when you started the "new banned item of the week" policy. Who knows WHAT this kid could have done with DUCT TAPE??? He could have taped the plane to the ground, so it wouldn't take off. He could have taped himself to a passenger and held them hostage. He could have taped himself to the ceiling of the plane and pretended that he was flying in zero-gravity. He could have taped himself to the window and pulled really hard so the window on the plane broke. He could have taped his mouth shut and just not talked the whole flight, landed in Nashville, and we wouldn't have heard this story. That would probably been the worst outcome of all, right?

Which brings me to the fourth thing: Nice job, major news networks! I really need to hear more disinformation in my daily news, along with a pointless story in the first place. If the kid stood up with his handcuffs in the middle of the flight and handcuffed himself to his seat and yelled, "I'm not leaving this plane until the pilots change course and fly themselves into whatever stadium Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus is currently singing in, or else someone is gonna get seriously ducttaped!" then you'd have a real story to report on. Because then an airmarshall would just taser him and that would be the end of the story. But I guess we need a break from all this Primary coverage.

So, does anyone see anything newsworthy in this story? Because I'm mad that I even know about it. I might even duct tape someone. Or get some yarn. And who knows what I could do with that?

1 comment:

Ryan Landis said...

Okay, first off I know who Hannah Montana is and I believe if Wikipedia doesn't fail me, because it is the best source of knowledge out there in the world, Hannah Montana (really Miley Cyrus) is 15 years of age. So a 16 year old and a 15 year old do not seem 10 years to young in my opinion! :) Great show by the way! Not as good as Lizzie McGuire though huh everyone?

PS I know everyone has watched both , it is ok!